Live Free or Pie Hard - 9th August 2007

When the wife was pregnant with little Goliath, she asked if I'd still find her attractive when she put on weight. "More weight," I instinctively corrected." It's perfectly understandable if a lady's weight yo-yo's after such a stressful event, but with the wife, it merely yo'd. There's no excuse for a Premiership footballer to 'tubby up' in such an outlandish fashion, so I hope there's no truth to the rumours emanating from Ewood Park.

It's alleged that a number of senior pros became hooked on pie and mash during the summer break. If the word on the street is correct, the players were so fixated with this culinary abomination, they stored a substantial amount of Fray Bentos pies in the club canteen. Mark Hughes was understandably livid when he discovered the secret stash and immediately placed a lock on the freezer. Robbie Savage considered the manager's act a blatant violation of his civil liberties and threatened to leave the club if he wasn't granted immediate access to the forbidden pastries. Mark Hughes stood his ground though, and refused to release the pie-key.

The 6/4 for Middlesbrough to open their campaign with a win over Blackburn is as delicious a treat as anything locked away in Sparky's freezer of shame.

I was quite surprised when the news broke that Robert Earnshaw had joined Derby; the little Welshman obviously misunderstood when asked if he would like to join the Rams. Earnie can help Derby take a point off Pompey at 9/4.

Roy Keane was a fierce competitor on the pitch: he went through more footballers than Gemma Atkinson. He'll need the same fighting spirit from his team when they face a formidable Tottenham side; I'm tucking in to the Spuds at 13/10.

Newcastle have gone down the multinational road in their search for new signings. Big Sam has signed a Brazilian, a Spaniard, a Cameroonian, a Czech, an Aussie, an Englishman and a Scouser. It wouldn't surprise me if he made a move for the promising Russian international, Ivan Terbungoutofit. The Premier League computer has mischievously sent Newcastle to Bolton for their opening fixture; Big Sam has it in the bag at 2/1.

I have a lot of faith in Andy 'Magic' Johnson, even though he's yet to master the 'staying on his feet' trick. I'll be making the 8/11 for an Everton win over Wigan disappear.

If given the choice to play for Chelsea at Stamford Bridge or represent a George Bush 11 in Iran, I'd probably plump for the latter as the risk of injury diminishes significantly. Jose must be cursed; I'm taking Birmingham at 11/2 to snatch a shock draw.

I'm finding it hard to pick a winner in the West Ham v Manchester City match. I asked the wife for her opinion, but she's also sitting on the fence. I'm now praying for the draw at 9/4, as I need funds for a new fence.

Aston Villa supporters could not be happier with the progress made by Randy Lerner and Martin O'Neill. The giant may still be sleeping, but he's being poked with a pointy stick. Villa are overpriced at 3/1 to kick the season off with a win over Liverpool.

Fulham fans must be devastated. Mohammed Al Fayed gave his manager the green light to sign established internationals; and Sanchez tucked him up on a technicality. The Cottagers have never won away at Arsenal; the Gooners are the weekend banker at 4/11.

I was disturbed to read that Wayne Rooney has outrageously had his chest waxed. There's nothing wrong with connecting with your feminine side, but only when you're trying to find shelter for the little beard-hunter. There's nothing camp about the 1/4 for a Manchester United win over Reading.

I just hope Ryan Giggs doesn't follow Rooney's lead, as the repercussions of dwindling wax reserves could prove catastrophic for small businesses. A little accer on Tottenham, Aston Villa, Arsenal and Manchester United at 13/1 will offer a lifeline to those most under threat.