Gone in 64 seconds - 7th December 2006

I'm feeling a little bit inadequate. Apparently, a normal male averages 20 minutes when expressing his love physically; I'm assuming that includes the taxi journey and the queue for the cashpoint.

My haste is a blessing in disguise for the wife, as she's on the phone to her mother every 15 minutes. Her old dear doesn't want to hear my shrieking voice; again.

On the subject of hidden blessings, Arsenal may well benefit from the absence of Thierry Henry. The Gunners have looked a more cohesive unit without their talismanic captain this season, the 4/1 about an Arsenal win at the Bridge should be jumped on; but not for too long.

Robin Van Persie can open the scoring at 17/2. The little Dutchman's left foot is so cultured; it can often be found sipping Pimms with Graeme Le Saux at the theatre.

Sir Alex believes that his United team are on the verge of greatness, Wayne Rooney may have toppled over the edge. The circular forward can inspire United to derby day domination at 4/11.

It's rumoured that Cristiano Ronaldo has been offered the lead role in a remake of the Michael Douglas classic, 'Falling Down'. The collapsible winger should be backed to score at any time at 9/4.

Biscuit magnate Eggert Magnusson has told the press that Alan Pardew's throat will be cut if West Ham fail to perform; he's one touch cookie. West Ham can snatch a point at the Reebok at 9/4. Nice.

Newcastle United and Robbie Savage have a lot in common, they're both awful travellers. Somewhat surprisingly, the Toon Army have only tasted defeat at Ewood Park on one of their last eight visits; a Savage led Blackburn can buck that trend at 6/5.

Paul Jewell did a 'Baldrick' in the summer when he bought Emile Heskey, I now expect him to do 'a Blackadder' and take advantage of a rotten Boro. Wigan can leave the Riverside with three points at 13/5.

Pompey and Everton shared 1-0 wins in last season's meet-ups, but 'no goalscorer' paid out in both matches. Only the betting naïve (like Harry 'what's a computer' Redknapp) back a 0-0 scoreline. The 'No goalscorer' hat-trick is in play at 8/1.

Tottenham's treatment of Jermain Defoe has left me as bemused as Monty Panesar. What could Defoe have done to deserve such shoddy treatment? Perhaps he spiked his spinach or sent Olive Oyl suggestive text messages. Spurs can beat up Charlton at 4/7, with or without the miniscule goal machine.

The wife is a big fan of Reading; she's supported them ever since her English teacher wrote 'reading difficulties' on her school report. She's backing the Royals at 13/8 to see off Watford; if I write out the betting slip.

It was odd to hear Neil Warnock begin a sentence with 'I'm a bit like Arsene Wenger,' as he questioned the Premier League's schedule. That's like the wife claiming to be 'a bit like Madonna' because she sings after lovemaking. I'm mad on a Villa win at Bramall Lane at 8/5.

Sheikh Mohammed may sound like a BNP policy, but he's potentially the new owner of Liverpool FC. The billionaire is normally associated with the glamorous world of horse racing, where he can often be found discussing opera with Robin Van Persie's left peg. The Reds have an easy looking match at home to Fulham, dive into the Pool at 4/11.

Man Utd, Blackburn, Liverpool, Tottenham and a Pompey draw are the virtually guaranteed selections for an 18/1 accer. Admittedly, it's never over 'til the fat lady sings; in my house, that's normally after 64 seconds.